viewNow, as I've made sure all my writing blocks or fears preventing me from doing it, I'm kinda ready to start.
What do I want to write about? Well, if my goal is to be autonomous as much as I can, which I detected as my top core value, and to get to strengthen my sense of self, while I do it without the need for validation from others, I'm screwed. I'll be free to choose a method that's going to give me the least amount of possibilities for the latter.
Now, I need to make a pause, due to external circumstances, but I'll continue like this in another way or another time.
I'm blue and have a war in my mind. I try to ride, but it's so tough. Tough having feelings like this, and knowing that somewhere there are alternatives, yet for example, they exist on the other side of the world, or I'm just not in shape to accomplish anything that I desire oh so much for so long. I know I need to be autonomous first and foremost, but I also need adventure and belonging, as they are two of my other core values. Everything that seems simple to others, to me is complicated to the point of contradiction and therefore impossible.
viewHere I go again, dumping my brain and pouring my soul for someone and no one to see. This is some kind of a semi-private journal for me. It's private enough for me to be able to play and be creative, yet it's also public in some way, which gives me some hopefully healthy validation.
Looking at what yet has to become, to be and imagining the future of all sorts is supposed to be my talent, which can become a strength if I work on it. It's easy for me to see vividly mine and others' better futures so easily, yet I still have to find someone who'll appreciate it, who is ready to take action on it, for me to lead them, and even potentially pay me for it.
Yes, I need the money and I'm delusional maybe – some unfortunate soul who happens to read this mess might think. Everyone needs it, more or less, or feels the need for it. Some, like me, think of it as a necessary evil. I still can't believe I put effort into something and got money for it once upon a time. Money feels dirty for me, yet I'm still alive and I can write here this and think of the future because of it. I'm so lucky in so many ways, especially that I have someone willing to support me financially and keep me alive. But, I still envy a little bit of the people who lost everything once upon a time and now have “fabulous” lives. I know, that's my type, the Enneagram one, whose passion is Envy. Yet, I need to let go of the notion to be “sinless”, pure, and blessed, even though I'm a Christian by baptism and tradition only. I have my religion, my way, and I hope to be proud just before I die like the people who sang the song My Way.
viewThere's a song that always brings tears to my eyes. It's called Somewhere Over The Rainbow and it was first performed by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz (1939). As I've written before, I'm a person whose most natural way of looking at things is into the future. Yet, this futuristic outlook is sprinkled with the context of what's happening in those moments I'm deeply into daydreaming. Among the thoughts, this song brings, of the fairly new movie called Judy I'm afraid to watch, since I know I'll break down while watching it and it'll make my mood go even more south, or I'm just afraid of the intensity and empathy I can experience for the misery of other human beings, and I'm afraid to explore the aftermath of it all.
I look at the “advanced Grammarly suggestions” that pop up while I write this and think “How on Earth am I ever going to accomplish, if I finally choose it, to become a good enough copywriter?” One huge hurdle in doing anything for money, among the thing I've written about earlier, is that all the signs point to the fact that I'm meant to work for myself, without having any kind of boss, and to be a sole person I'm accountable to in the money-making process. The copywriting work is filled with tight deadlines and “bosses” or “clients” that can easily spit on everything you've poured your heart and soul to write and demand that you start over. I could develop tight skin, but I don't know how I'm going to get around those inflexible deadlines, as I'm so easily prone to stress, with all of my chronic physical and mental illnesses.
These were my thoughts for today and I'll hopefully write more.