Here I go again, dumping my brain and pouring my soul for someone and no one to see. This is some kind of a semi-private journal for me. It's private enough for me to be able to play and be creative, yet it's also public in some way, which gives me some hopefully healthy validation.
Looking at what yet has to become, to be and imagining the future of all sorts is supposed to be my talent, which can become a strength if I work on it. It's easy for me to see vividly mine and others' better futures so easily, yet I still have to find someone who'll appreciate it, who is ready to take action on it, for me to lead them, and even potentially pay me for it.
Yes, I need the money and I'm delusional maybe – some unfortunate soul who happens to read this mess might think. Everyone needs it, more or less, or feels the need for it. Some, like me, think of it as a necessary evil. I still can't believe I put effort into something and got money for it once upon a time. Money feels dirty for me, yet I'm still alive and I can write here this and think of the future because of it. I'm so lucky in so many ways, especially that I have someone willing to support me financially and keep me alive. But, I still envy a little bit of the people who lost everything once upon a time and now have “fabulous” lives. I know, that's my type, the Enneagram one, whose passion is Envy. Yet, I need to let go of the notion to be “sinless”, pure, and blessed, even though I'm a Christian by baptism and tradition only. I have my religion, my way, and I hope to be proud just before I die like the people who sang the song My Way.